Liberals versus Conservatives

In response to the drivel I spoke about in "Conservatives versus Reality" below, I see the Drudge Retort (a witty alternative to the Drudge Report... why do conservatives suck at page layout?) have come up with a list of their own, that makes far more sense.

• If a liberal doesn’t believe that abortion is morally acceptable, she doesn’t have one.
  If a conservative doesn’t believe that abortion is morally acceptable, he or she wants to prevent anyone from having one.

• When a liberal asks where he gets his news, he’ll give legitimate sources such as the N.Y. Times or Washington Post.
  When a conservative asks where he gets his news, he won’t usually answer because it’s not from legitimate news sources.

• A liberal sees wrong and tries to right it.
  A conservative sees wrong and if it involves another conservative, he claims it’s biased.

• A liberal believes most foreign policy issues are best dealt with by taking diplomatic measures.
  A conservative believes we should bomb first and ask questions later.

• A liberal doesn’t mind his hard earned money going to legitimate government programs.
  A conservative hates all things government, but doesn’t mind his hard earned money going towards multi-million dollar bonuses for CEOs.

• When a liberal thinks about education, he thinks about college.
  When a conservative thinks about education, he thinks about grade school and high school.

• A liberal knows that a fact is information that is verifiable.
  A conservative thinks a fact is something you can link to. It might be just somebody’s opinion, but if you can link to it, he believes it’s acceptable to use it as a “fact.”

• A liberal debates with facts.
  A conservative debates by insulting the other person.

• A liberal evaluates information and forms an opinion.
  A conservative gets his opinions from right-wing pundits.

• A liberal debates by citing events that have occurred.
  A conservative debates by predicting events he believes will occur.

• A liberal debates using facts.
  A conservative debates the facts.

• If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he’s not a real conservative and is branded a wuss.
  If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he might want to ban guns, but most only want to ban assault weapons.

• If a conservative is a vegetarian… What are you, kidding me? A conservative vegetarian? Ha!
  If a liberal is a vegetarian, who cares.

• If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how his political party can capitalize on it.
  A liberal wonders how to solve the problem without getting anybody killed.

• If a conservative is homosexual, he hates himself but likes underage boys.
  If a liberal is homosexual, he wants the same rights as everyone else.

• If a conservative is down-and-out, he blames liberals and minorities for his problems.
  A liberal goes to college and develops skills that will make him prosperous.

• If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he rants, raves, and complains until he’s blue in the face about what he believes to be anti-American socialist/fascist ideas, or whatever else the right-wing pundits told him to believe.
  Liberals are too busy with their careers to pay much attention to talk-shows.

• If a conservative is a non-believer… What are you, kidding me? A non-religious conservative? Ha!
  A liberal non-believer doesn’t want his child indoctrinated by religious nut-jobs.

• If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes on Medicare and demands the government keep its hands off it.
  A liberal wants affordable health care for all, insurance company CEOs be damned!